


Thinking of You

by saucyminx



Series: The House Rules [3]
Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-08
Updated: 2011-04-08
Packaged: 2017-10-28 11:37:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/307471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucyminx/pseuds/saucyminx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A novel length story of a struggling country singer and the young man who tries to change his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

  


“Chad? Chad!” Christian was standing on the grass three stories below his boyfriend’s window. Bending down, he picked up a small stone and drew back his arm to let the pebble fly at Chad’s bedroom window. It was stupidly early; there was still dew on the grass and it seemed darker than it should have because there were storm clouds blowing over the city.

It took Chad a few minutes to realize the sharp little clinks he was hearing weren’t in his dream as he’d originally thought. He groaned as he flopped over onto his back and blinked up at the ceiling. There was another sharp tap on his window and Chad’s face scrunched up.

He clambered out of bed and across the room, reaching out to yank the window open. He stuck his head out into the chilly early morning air and promptly got smacked in the temple by a rock. “Shit,” Chad hissed and rubbed his forehead, looking down at the source of his new pain. “Christian? What are you doing?”

“Ooh, shit I’m sorry.” Christian threw out his arms and grinned. “It’s our three week anniversary,” he whispered as loudly as he could.

Chad wanted to be annoyed but Christian’s words and bright smile kind of made it impossible. “You’re crazy,” he called back with a soft laugh, his heart fluttering in his chest. “What are you doing down there? Come upstairs.”

"No, no! Come down! I got you coffee from the cafe down the street just the way you like it and donuts that just came out of the oven. I've got my leather you like to wear and it's all perfect. Got plans!" Christian waved his hands. "C'mon man!" Grinning, he headed back to his truck and stood up on the running board to stare up at Chad.

“But it’s-” Chad groaned and slid back in the room. It was half past five and Chad hadn’t even gone to bed until one. And still he found himself pulling off his shirt and tugging on a clean one from the closet. He grumbled as he pulled on his jeans and stepped quickly into his shoes.

Five minutes later he was running down the stairs as quietly as he could, shivering as he stepped out into the early morning chill and crossed to Christian’s truck. “You’re insane, you know that, right?”

“I know, get in.” Still grinning, Christian slipped down into the truck and waited until Chad climbed in before holding out his old leather jacket. “I know you think that I don’t know you like it - but you’re not as sneaky as you think.” His heart warmed a little at the shy smile on his boyfriend’s face.

“Put on the coat, come over here and give me a good morning kiss and then you can nap if you want. I’m driving you somewhere.” Christian shook the jacket slightly as he waited for Chad to take it.

The laugh that bubbled out of Chad was driven by fond affection. Here Christian was, being this sweet and amazing guy that Chad was completely smitten with. As much as Christian seemed to think he’d suck at this dating thing, Chad thought he was kind of amazing.

“You’re just trying to impress me aren’t you?” Chad muttered and slipped into the coat, sliding across the bench after a moment and capturing Christian’s lips in a slow, deep kiss. “You said you weren’t gonna get to see me today,” he murmured, hand sliding back into Christian’s hair.

"You busy or something?" Christian grinned against Chad's lips before sucking gently on his boyfriend's bottom lip. "I mean if you have other plans-"

“Shut up,” Chad huffed quietly and pressed in for another deep, longer kiss. When he pulled back he was slightly breathless and he smiled softly. “Where we going?”

"Surprise," Christian whispered. He gestured to the coffee and the bag on the dashboard. "Coffee, two cream and two sugars, medium blend. I know you always say one but you always put in two packets of sugar. And fresh donuts. Still warm." Sliding his arm over Chad's shoulder, he sighed happily and pulled the truck away from the curb.

“I think you have a kink for knowing what things I like,” Chad muttered with a soft laugh. He reached out for the coffee and donuts, sipping from the drink and moaning softly. “So you just missed me too much to stay away?” He grinned down at the bag of donuts as he reached inside to grab a pastry for himself.

"Okay. In the first place, I know what you like because you're _mine_. In the second place, where else would I be on our anniversary?" Christian pressed a kiss to Chad's temple then looked back at the road ahead.

"Told Steve they could rehearse without me for once, that I had somethin' important to do." Christian hid his frown by turning to look in his side view mirror. It hadn’t been _quite_ that smooth; it had pretty much been Steve yelling at him for an hour the previous night, but having Chad tucked up against him, the music playing and the two of them driving into the sunrise? It was _so_ worth it.

“I’m sure he was thrilled about that,” Chad murmured and shifted to rub along Christian’s middle gently. He kept thinking that one of these days Christian would just have enough and he’d either snap at Steve or cut things off with Chad. He desperately hoped it was the latter but he really couldn’t say for sure. “He give you crap?”

Tilting his head slightly, Christian huffed. "You know Steve. He's easily hurt when he thinks I'm blowing off important stuff." Christian had stopped saying _he'll get over it_ when Chad had stopped looking like he believed it. "This is important though. You said that I should, well, you've been telling me that I should do what _I_ want to do - and not what he thinks - or anyone else." There wasn't really anyone else who tried to issue directives to Christian but it made him feel better not to limit it to Steve.

Keeping his eyes on the road, he turned slightly so he could breathe in the still sleep-warm scent of Chad's hair. "I wanted to be with you today. It's what I want."

“Good. I’m glad you’re doing what you want to do, because that makes me feel good.” Chad hummed softly, tilting up to gently kiss Christian’s neck. He was insanely curious as to what they’d be doing but he was too into the idea of a surprise to really press it. “Want a bite of donut?” Chad asked a moment later around a piece of pastry in his mouth. He grinned a white powdery smile up at Christian and held up the donut.

Laughing, Christian leaned down quickly to lick at some of the sugary dusting around Chad's mouth, then took a quick bite before looking back out the front window. "You taste better than the donut," he teased. His heart felt warm and heavy; he was relaxed and for once the all-too-familiar twist of anxiety seemed to be loosening in his stomach.

Turning onto one of the secondary roads, Christian sank down a little and twined a strand of Chad’s hair around his finger.

“Oh yeah? Every part of me taste better?” Chad polished off the donut, smirking slightly at the suggestion in his words. Some powder fell onto Christian’s jeans and Chad brushed it off, purposefully sliding his fingers over the man’s crotch.

"Oh no. You are _not_ seducing me, you ... you _siren_. Behave or I'll pull over and you won't get the surprise." Christian laughed, even though he had to shift his hips a little to get more comfortable. "You didn't have any plans for tomorrow, did you?"

Chad’s breath caught in his throat and he slid his hand back, following Christian’s order. “Is this going to be an overnight adventure?” When he stared at Christian and the man didn’t answer, Chad sighed. “No, I don’t have any plans for tomorrow. So, is it?” He set his coffee back in the holder and snuggled up against Christian’s side, soft smile on his lips.

"If it was, would that be okay?" Christian's arm slid down so he could grip Chad's shoulder and keep him close. "You know, _if_ I wasn't bringing you back till say - late tomorrow night." He couldn't stop smiling. Just knowing how much Chad was going to love the place he'd found was making Christian pretty damned excited. It didn’t hurt to think of having Chad completely to himself for a couple of days, either.

“I would say that’s pretty damned amazing,” Chad whispered, closing his eyes and scooting impossibly closer. Heat burned through him at the idea of being with Christian all night without worrying about Steve randomly appearing and asking Christian from some ridiculous thing. He hoped Christian celebrated every week anniversary in some way, just to have moments like these. “Gonna nap,” he mumbled after a while, tilting his head up so his forehead rested against Christian neck.

“You do that. I’ll wake you up when we’re there.” Smiling again, Christian hummed quietly to the song on the radio.

Chad slept the entire trip. Even though Christian's arm was tingling a bit he didn't let go of his boyfriend. He had to admit, it was one of the best drives he'd made in a long time. The radio was playing good old rock and roll, Chad was warm against his side and the sun was trying to peek through the grey storm clouds.

Even the impending storm couldn't ruin Christian's mood. He loved storms and the idea of being with Chad and listening to the rain was perfect. The road got a little bumpier as he turned onto the road down to the cabin. He'd been there a long time ago - that was a story that he was certain would amuse Chad. The place had been renovated and he was sure it was going to be great.

As the cabin came into view Christian smiled down at his boyfriend as the man murmured sleepily against him. While he slept, Chad had slid down until he was lying half across Christian's chest. It was kind of adorable.

Grinning, Christian pulled up beside the front porch of the cabin and rolled his window down. The cool ocean air instantly rolled into the cabin of the truck and the crashing of waves against the beach was clear and loud. He leaned back, smoothing his fingers over Chad's hair as the man stirred slowly.

“Wha?” Chad grumbled as he blinked his eyes open, yawning and slowly sitting up. “We here?” He tugged his glasses from the holder in the dash he’d placed them in and slipped them on, looking out the windows curiously.

The first thing he saw was the ocean and a grin instantly pulled at his lips. He _loved_ the ocean. Gaze trailing to the side, Chad tilted his head as he looked at the sky blue cabin, bordered with large rocks that jutted out at the sides. On the porch sat a couple comfy looking chairs and the entire thing felt so secluded and private that Chad was a little shocked.

“Where did you find this place?” he asked in awe, finally turning to look at his boyfriend. “It’s gorgeous.”

"S'kind of a weird story. I used to date this woman, Tamara. Her Dad owns this place, and we came out here one weekend to see him. To meet her family. It was kind of a disaster." Christian laughed at the look on Chad's face. "Anyway, the short version is that I stayed friends with her father. Nice man - and he was pretty damn relieved that she dumped me. Easier to stay friends that way. Did some work on his truck a while back and he said I could have the place for a weekend if I ever wanted to bring a special girl here."

Laughing louder, Christian dipped down to kiss the end of Chad's nose. "So here you are, sweetie. You’re my special girl."

Chad rolled his eyes but he laughed, shaking his head. “Wow. Nothing to top off the romantic setting by calling me your special girl.” He snorted and smacked Christian’s thigh. “Well it’s stunning, regardless of what you call me. Seems pretty secluded.” He reached out for the door handle, sliding out of the truck and looking around the sandy lot, then up at the dark clouds. “Man it’s gorgeous.”

Leaning over the tailgate, Christian picked up a duffle bag and swung it over his shoulder. "It sure is. No one for miles, private beach. Just you and me till tomorrow night." But all Christian was looking at was Chad. The wind was whipping Chad's hair back and forth, andhis cheeks were still rosy from sleeping but each time he breathed in a deep breath of fresh air he smiled. "You like it? I thought you’d like it."

“I love it. I love the ocean.” Chad grinned and turned to Christian, stepping toward him. “And I’m really loving the sound of just you and me. Whatever will we do?” he laughed, reaching out to touch Christian’s arm as the man stepped up to his side.

Humming softly, Christian pressed his lips to the back of Chad’s neck. “I’m sure we’ll think of something. Listen, the keys are in a little tin under the bottom step, grab it and let us in?” Stepping around Chad, he threw the duffel up onto the porch and headed back to the truck for a big plastic bin. He’d tried to pick out everything they might want for the time they’d be there. He’d even picked up some fresh fruit and yogurt that was on ice; Chad was always bitching at him to eat something that didn’t come out of a box.

Stooping down, Chad grabbed the key from its hiding place, and then hurried up the steps, unlocking the door and pushing it open. The furniture was a lot like the chairs out front, light colored and comfortable looking. There were large bay windows in the kitchen overlooking the beach and a large flat screen TV in the living room, though Chad couldn’t imagine actually wanting to watch TV while there at the beach.

He felt a little breathless as he walked down the hall to the large master bedroom. The bed was large and fluffy, nearly filling the entire bedroom. The entire side wall was made up of floor to ceiling windows and Chad’s breath hitched as he crossed the room and stood before the glass, pressing his fingers to the window and staring out at the endless ocean. It was hard not to think things like, _holy shit, I never thought I’d find myself here_. And with Christian, who was simply too much for him sometimes to believe.

"I got apples," Christian said softly. He was leaning against the door frame and watching Chad. "And yogurt and wine for you, and some soda." Smiling, he paced over and pressed his hand to Chad's on the glass. "Did I do good?"

“Very good,” Chad murmured and leaned back against Christian, watching the waves colliding onto the beach. “So good you might deserve a reward,” Chad hummed and turned to Christian, sliding up against his body and kissing him deeply. Wine and yogurt? Christian was definitely amazing.

Christian lost himself for a while in those soft lips moving against his. The scent of his own cologne wafted up from the leather that Chad was wearing and it sparked a little heat in Christian's chest. Chad was his and he was starting to believe that things might actually work out for him for once.

Taking a step back, he pulled away from Chad's kiss reluctantly.

"Wanna show you the ocean before the rain starts. Gotta get our feet in it." Christian pulled his boyfriend back toward the door. "Gonna sleep so good tonight, with you in my arms and the rain pouring down. The sound of the waves." Kicking off his boots, he lifted one foot and yanked his sock off then looked up to find Chad still standing there with a bemused expression on his face. "Get movin'."

“Yes sir.” Chad saluted and laughed, tugging off his shoes and socks. “So the beach is completely private? Where’s the closest house?” Chad almost wished he’d been awake for the last part of the drive just so he could see the area they were in.

"Miles away. Tamara's Dad is a Tulalip Indian. I ever tell you I'm part Cherokee?" Christian shrugged. Sometimes it made him a little nervous to tell people, like somehow they wouldn't believe him, or wouldn't get why it was important to him.

“Are you?” Chad’s brows rose and he grinned, catching Christian’s hand in his own as they left the house. “I had no idea. Like, were you raised with any of the customs and stuff? Or is it just in your heritage somewhere?” Chad hadn’t ever thought much about where his family came from and he hadn’t known a lot of people who cared much about their past, but just in case Christian was an exception, Chad thought he would show that he did care.

“On my Dad’s side, yeah. Not full-blooded or anything. I just figured people should know where they come from so you can figure out where you’re goin’. Not that I ever got that part right.” Christian chuckled and pulled Chad down a rocky path. “Hasn’t changed a bit,” he said, just loud enough to be heard over the waves. “It’s getting really gray.” His eyes swept over the horizon, and he wiped at a few drops of rain that hit his cheek.

“Rain is nice. I actually kind of love it.” Chad laughed softly and followed Christian to the edge of the water. He didn’t have any clothes to change into if his got wet but that was alright, he’d take any excuse to spend most of the day naked. “You know Christian, no matter what you might think, you _have_ changed over the last few weeks. And in a good way. Seems like you’re smiling more. And you’re not nearly so terrified at the idea of dating. Hell, you did this for our three week anniversary, that says a lot.” He turned toward his boyfriend, toes digging in the sand as his arms wrapped around Christian’s shoulders.

The water was cold but soothing and Christian walked them a little further out, side-stepping slowly. When the water was slapping against his calves he smiled and tightened his arms around Chad's waist. "It's slow. I feel a little better sometimes. Sometimes..." Shaking his head, he turned his gaze out to the ocean. There were still times when he felt a little over his head, times when the incessant bitching from Steve wore him down a bit - but out here, this was just for them.

“Well I’m always here. I’m gonna help hold you up, now,” Chad murmured, not quite sure if Christian could hear him over the waves. He leaned forward to capture Christian’s lips, enjoying the way their kisses deepened as the water splashed over their calves. Kissing in the ocean? It was one of those things that Chad had never known he wanted, making out with someone while standing in the ocean. Or maybe it was just being with Christian.

All Christian could hear was the pounding of the waves against the shore and then the hiss as they withdrew again. He'd grown used to the cold water quickly but that could be because of _Chad_. Pressed up against him, Chad was kissing him with just the right combination of surrender and _want_ and it made Christian's heart ache a little.

His hands slipped down Chad’s back and settled on the man’s hips. He loved holding Chad there, running his thumbs along the jut of bone he could feel through his boyfriend’s jeans. A few more drops of rain splashed onto his face and he laughed into the kiss, lifting Chad slightly and swinging him around. “Gonna get soaked,” he said quietly.

Chad laughed, his head thrown back as Christian spun him. “Me?” he snorted, sinking against Christian’s chest as the man dropped him down once again. “Sometimes I think you’re too good for me,” he murmured, slipping his fingers through Christian’s hair. “I know you’ll protest that but just, this. This thing you’re doing, all of this. It’s so _thoughtful_ and I don’t know if I ever can tell you just what it means to me.”

Frowning, Christian pulled Chad back to the sand. "I'm not too good for you, don't say that." Something about it felt wrong, like boots that didn't fit right, or folding his arms the wrong way. "I just wanna make you happy. Sometimes, I get these ideas in my head and - and I wanted to be alone with you. _Really_ alone, not with anyone lurking around." Hand cupping the back of Chad's neck, Christian smiled and pulled his boyfriend forward into a tender kiss.

"I wanted _you_ ; it's not thoughtful, it's greedy," he added. The rain was picking up, the small drops warm in the late day air. Christian's hair blew forward and he stared at Chad for a long time as the dark strands whipped across his face. “I - wanted you. I … _want_ you.” His fingers moved just under the jacket Chad was wearing, cool fingertipsfinding their way to the burning flesh beneath Chad’s shirt.

“I want you to be greedy for me,” Chad admitted quietly, wetting his lips when his heart quickened under Christian’s touches. He could feel the rush of heat through his body and he pulled his glasses off, tucking them in the pocket of the jacket. “No one’s ever really been greedy for me, and I love knowing that you want me. Almost as much as I want you.” The rain picked up around them and Chad blinked through the water, surprised he wasn’t feeling the cold, just the heat from Christian pressed up against him.

"No," Christian shook his head slowly, hand sliding up Chad's side as he pulled him up out of the reach of the waves. "I _want_ you." Dropping his gaze, he watched as Chad's teeth pressed down his bottom lip and a rose flush swept up his neck. Rocking his hips forward, Christian laved the raindrops from Chad's lips and said once more, "I want you."

“How do you want me?” Chad whispered, voice hoarse as he realized Christian was talking on a different level. That heat building in him flared to life, burning strong, and he rocked his hips forward to meet Christian’s next move.

"Like you said, wanna make you mine." The rain tasted earthy and Chad's flesh was sweet and it was heady and a little intoxicating. Sucking his way along Chad's jaw, Christian shivered with pleasure. "Wanna fuck you," he whispered against Chad's ear.

“Jesus,” Chad hissed, his knees nearly giving out. He’d been waiting for what felt like far too long for Christian to finally ask for this and his head tipped back to give Christian more room to kiss. “I want that. Wanna feel you buried in me.” Chad had never wanted anyone the way he wanted Christian. “Want to spend the next twenty four hours having as much sex as we both can stand.”

"Now," Christian growled. Maybe it was the rain trickling down the back of his neck or the way the flavour of _Chad_ was on his lips. Maybe it was finally being alone, not worried that someone might be too near. Maybe it was just _Chad_ and the way he looked with blond hair plastered to his forehead and cheeks, his lips already swollen and his skin blotchy from the cool wind.

His hand snapped out and grabbed a fistful of hair and he yanked Chad back into a hard open-mouthed kiss. Without waiting for Chad to even catch his breath, Christian thrust his tongue forward into his boyfriend's mouth, leaving no doubt who was in control.

Chad melted against Christian, letting the man kiss him as deeply as he wanted. He moaned into the kiss and as Christian’s hands slid down under his clothing Chad had a bone-shaking moment of realization as it occurred to him that by _now_ , Christian meant _here_. “Fuck,” he gasped as he tore back from the kiss, grabbing Christian’s shirt by the hem and tugging roughly up. “You’re gonna do it right here, aren’t you? You wanna fuck me on the beach?”

"I'm gonna, no question," Christian growled low in his throat. Shoving at the leather jacket he threw it up the beach as soon as it slipped off Chad's arms. Chad's t-shirt was more of a struggle, already half plastered to his body. The rain was falling harder. Pulling hard on the soft cotton he managed to get it off and threw it over his shoulder as he curled his fingers over Chad's jeans and yanked him up toward the jacket.

“God, Christian,” Chad groaned, mind-numbingly turned on by the way Christian was pulling him around. He already knew this man was going to give it to him like he’d always wanted but had never had before. All his ex’s had been too gentle, too sweet, and more often than not, he was the one topping. There was no doubt in his mind that he would never have to worry about that with Christian. “Tell me,” he whispered, dipping in to suck rain water off of Christian’s neck, not even caring if Christian knew what he wanted to hear or not.

“I want you,” Christian rasped. His hands were all over the rain-damp flesh of Chad’s body. Wherever he could touch he scraped his nails and squeezed too hard, dug his fingers in like he was trying to make sure Chad was real - _solid_ \- his.

Wrenching back, Christian pushed his wet hair back off his forehead and just stared at Chad. “God you’re gorgeous,” he said softly. Swallowing, he blinked rain out of his eyes and stepped forward again, fingers pulling at Chad’s button, zipper, then shoved his jeans down. “Get out of these,” he growled.

Chad knew Christian was watching the shudder that rocked through him at the order. He stopped questioning why it felt so good to be commanded. Instead, he did as Christian said, shoving his jeans and briefs down and kicking them to the side. There was something almost sinful about being naked on the beach, out in the open with the rain soaking over his body and fighting to chill the heat coursing through him.

Licking the salt water off his lips, Chad stepped forward again and reached out to slide his fingers up Christian’s side. “You’re overdressed.”

Smirking slightly, Christian reached down and unbuckled his belt, and then loosened his jeans. "You cold? he asked with a glint in his eyes.

“Pretty sure I won’t be for long,” Chad murmured and shrugged, dragging his thumb along a rivulet of water worming its way down the middle of Christian’s chest. His breath hitched as Christian slowly pushed his jeans down and he wet his lips subconsciously as the silky heat of the man’s arousal sprung free. Chad was touching before he could stop himself, stroking slow from base to tip.

"Fuck," Christian hissed. Fumbling with his jeans for a second, he straightened and snatched at Chad's hand. "Don't-" he moaned deep in his chest and felt his body shudder. Dragging Chad up the beach, he pushed him down onto his knees on the leather jacket. Kneeling behind him, Christian ran a hand straight up the center of Chad's back then curved his hands under to pull the man's ass back toward him.

A low moan rocked through Chad and his body instantly arched back against Christian’s, his heart skipping a beat. He’d done a lot of imagining of their first time, how it would be, but the idea of it being on the beach in the rain had never crossed his mind. It was somehow _kind of perfect_. “Don’t have to be gentle.” He half-moaned the words, nearly falling down into the sand when Christian’s fingers moved over his ass.

"Not gonna," Christian growled. He picked up the lube he'd slipped in his pocket earlier. When he'd bought it, sex on the beach hadn't even occurred to him. But Chad, Chad wet and glistening, flushed and ... _Jesus_. He snapped the cap open and slicked up two fingers. As he leaned down to suck up the rain water that was pooling at the small of Chad's back, he shoved two fingers _hard_ inside his lover. The heat made him moan and his cock jumped, sliding under Chad's balls.

“Christian, _fuck_ ,” Chad groaned loudly and rolled back instantly to meet the thrust of Christian’s fingers. It was deeper than his own, more than Chad remembered feeling, thicker and so slick he already felt loose. He sucked in ragged breaths and worked his body back against Christian’s digits, low moan constantly rocking through him. _God_ he wanted the man.

"Chad, _Jesus_ \- it's-" Words failed Christian. He'd never wanted someone, never wanted to _claim_ someone like he wanted Chad. Sliding his free hand under Chad's chest, he pulled back until they were both kneeling. As soon as he could reach he mouthed his way along Chad's rain-covered shoulder as he slid a third finger in. Twisting his wrist, he marveled at the heat of Chad's body, the way the man managed to melt back against him. "Wanna fuck you so bad." Christian's voice was low, his lips biting hard below Chad's ear as he sought out the small button of nerves deep inside his lover.

“Then do-” Chad cut off in a sharp and loud moan, piercing the echoing crash of the waves and patter of raindrops on the rocks. Christian worked hard over his prostate, stroking and pressing, then pulled back and shoved hard against it and Chad was absolutely losing his mind. Every touch was just the right side of too much and Chad’s fingers dug hard into the sand, his head falling to hang between his arms. “Fuck Christian, _fuck_.”

Twisting his hips back, Christian yanked his fingers free and wiped his hand down his aching cock. There was no warning for Chad; Christian slid forward, guiding himself into the searing heat of his lover. A low cry left his lips and he folded forward over Chad's back and slammed in hard.

Every muscle in Chad tightened in one moment and he held his breath, the stretch and burn far more than he’d felt in too long. His lips parted in a soundless moan and he didn’t move, letting his body adjust to the pressure. As the sting eased and his vision stopped blurring, Chad inhaled sharply and clenched his muscles around Christian, wanting to drive him just as insanely crazy as he himself felt.

Christian's breath caught in his chest as the grip around his cock tightened and he slid back slowly, savoring every single inch of heat. "God, Chad-" Another moaned forced its way out and Christian pushed himself up so he could grasp Chad's hips. Holding his lover still, he slid his cock deep again, slowly, feeling Chad tense as he tried to push back. "Don't you move," he ordered.

The desire to obey Christian’s order outweighed the desire to rock back against his lover and Chad chose not to think about what kind of person that made him. He twisted his head back as far as he could, catching sight of Christian’s rippled muscles, his tan skin stretched and glistening with rain water. Looking up, he watched the man’s damp hair fall back around his shoulders as his head tipped back and Chad groaned once more. If only he could really watch Christian fuck into him, that would be the only thing that could make this better.

Fingers splayed wide over Chad's hips, Christian fucked into him slowly. It had been a long time since he'd felt the heat like this - the _want_ that was coursing through his body. He was shaking, but Chad was perfect, smooth skin glistening with rain water.

Everything around them was perfect. The rain beating down on Christian no longer felt cold; it felt almost like it should be sizzling when it bounced off his flesh. "Chad," he moaned his lover's name. "Chad."

Withdrawing slowly, Christian reached down and pulled on Chad's shoulder to roll him over. "I want... I wanna see you," he said almost shyly. It was never about this for him, _never_. It was always about getting what he wanted, being drunk enough to pick someone up - but this was so different. Biting down on his bottom lip, he hesitated.

Even if it meant laying partially in the sand - and Chad _hated_ sand in his hair - he wanted nothing more than to give Christian exactly what he wanted. It didn’t hurt that he desperately wanted it, too. “I was just thinking that,” he murmured, trying not to whine at the loss.

Flipping over, Chad settled his lower half on the leather jacket and pressed his elbows into the sand, staring up at Christian with wide eyes, blinking every few drops of rain away. “C’mere,” he said quietly, spreading his legs for Christian to slide between.

Lowering himself slowly, Christian slid his fingers around the base of his cock and guided himself back into the tight ring of muscle. A shudder of a breath left his body and he stared down into Chad's crystal blue gaze as he rolled his hips down.

“Jesus,” Chad moaned and fell back into the sand, lifting his hips until his legs could wrap and lock around Christian’s waist, keeping him impossibly deep until the man could barely move. “God, you feel so good. Wanna kiss you,” Chad mumbled, not even sure he could be understood over the other noises surrounding them.

Christian's lashes fluttered closed as he strained forward to take Chad's lips. It was all sweet rainwater and heat from Chad's mouth. He thrust his tongue forward, teasing along Chad's lips, and then pulled it back. Panting, the rain pelting down on his back, he shifted enough to pull his hips back and found a rhythm that made Chad moan louder.

The sharp bursts of pleasure that rippled through Chad was making him dizzy, coursing so strongly that Chad wasn’t sure he’d be able to last. His lips parted against Christian’s and he moaned as his lover’s tongue slid forward and circled around his own. Then the next far-too-slow rock of Christian’s hips forward brought the man’s cock nudging right up against his prostate and Chad jerked back from the kiss. “Oh god,” he moaned, and tangled his fingers in Christian’s rain-soaked hair. “Fuck, Christian.”

Christian's body shuddered again. Chad was like liquid under him, moving and writhing, his hands gripping Christian, then sliding up into his hair. It was surreal and yet Christian could feel everything like it was the only thing in the world. As soon as Chad started to fall apart Christian pounded hard against the same spot time and again.

"God," Christian said against Chad's mouth. "I wanna feel you come, come for me, baby."

Almost as if Christian’s request was the only thing Chad had been waiting for, pleasure slammed hard through him and his muscles tightened. He arched hard up against his lover as his release took hold, his body shuddering even though his cock hadn’t even been touched. Chad had never come so painfully hard in his life. His spine twisted up toward Christian as he moaned into the man’s mouth and clenched tight around him.

The tightening of slick heat around Christian's cock made his rhythm falter. Sucking in a breath, he thrust hard a handful of times, heart pounding loud in his ears and then everything kind of spun around him and he came. His body jerked forward, hips snapping hard against Chad's ass even as he could still feel Chad's body twitching around him. As his release pulsed deep into his lover, Christian's body twitched forward until he all but collapsed on top of Chad.

Chad sucked in a few painful breaths, his fingers stroking absently through Christian’s hair as the man shuddered through the last of his release. He was fairly certain he’d never had sex quite this hot before and his heart lurched at the thought. _Shit_. It had nothing to do with the semi-public setting, the rain, the waves. It was Christian, all Christian, and Chad knew there was no denying just how strongly he felt for the man.

“God,” whispered Christian. “I never-” He wasn’t sure how long he had lay there on Chad, chest heaving, heart pounding but he eventually slipped to the side. His arm looped under Chad’s neck and pulled him in for a long, slow kiss. Even though he couldn’t get out words that would mean something to Chad - fuck - he could show him what it felt like. He wanted Chad to know about the heat and emotion that was whirling around inside him.

Chad moaned softly into the kiss and pressed against Christian, his body cooling under the rain splashing along his skin. As he started to shiver he pulled back from the kiss, smiling sleepily at his lover. “Don’t suppose that awesome cabin has a big bath tub?”

Laughing softly, Christian pushed up. “Well, we gotta shower the sand off but there’s a hot tub off to the side. Turned it on while you were looking around.” Christian smiled and groaned as he climbed up to his feet. He held out a hand and hauled Chad up to his feet, as well. “C’mon, let’s get you warmed up.”

“So basically we should just move here and forget about real life; we can go to the city every Friday or Saturday night so you can perform, sound fair?” Chad let Christian lead him toward the house, only stopping long enough to get the coat so his glasses wouldn’t get crushed or lost. “I promise to cook naked meals for you. Meaning, me being naked, not the meals.”

Christian snagged a t-shirt and a pair of jeans off the sand. He wasn’t even sure whose they were. “You can do anything if you wanna do it naked.” Laughing, he dragged Chad up the steps and brushed as much of the sand off of him as he could. In a matter of minutes they were in the shower and being pelted with hot water.

Leaning his head back under the hot stream, Christian rinsed out his hair and then turned them so he could slide Chad back under the water. His eyes lingered on the graceful curve of Chad’s neck as he rinsed the sand out of his hair and rubbed the soap on his neck. Shaking his head at how absurdly _hot_ it was, Christian leaned in to slide his mouth down the front of Chad’s throat.

“God,” Chad whispered and his knees actually weakened. His body was still humming, the feel of Christian in him still lingering, and Chad had a feeling he was going to get _very_ familiar with it over the next twenty four hours. Fingers curving over Christian’s hip, Chad pressed his thumb hard forward and moaned softly. “You’re going to kill me, you know.”

“No, just want you to know how I feel,” Christian said softly. His heart was racing at the possibilities, the way that things actually felt _good_. For once, he wasn’t waiting for things to fall apart. “Gonna be out in the hot tub, join me when you’re done.” He grinned and pushed the door open to race through the cabin.

The hot tub was off at the far end of the front deck at the top of a short flight of stairs. By the time Christian was settling down onto the seat and staring out at the ocean, Chad was already racing up the stairs. He held out his arm and Chad sank into the water and pressed into his side. Closing his eyes briefly, Christian kissed Chad's hair.

“We should celebrate every anniversary like this,” Chad whispered, smiling softly at the thought. Of course they couldn’t _always_ \- he had school, Christian had the band - but he could imagine it. Words formed on the tip of Chad’s tongue but he swallowed them down for now, because it seemed best.

"Or we could just come here whenever." Christian stretched his arm back along the side of the hot tub and stared up at the sky. "Storm's blowin' over," he said almost sadly. "Never enjoyed a storm that much before." His lips curved up into a slight smile. “You?”

“Nope, never enjoyed one so much.” Chad laughed softly and twisted to press a soft kiss to Christian’s neck. “Wouldn’t say no to making sex in the rain part of our _thing_.” He smirked at the thought. Chad was fairly sure he was going to get hard whenever it rained from here on out.

“I meant...I had a condom. I’m good, I mean-” Christian frowned and rolled his head so he could see Chad. “It’s been a while,” he said quietly. He wasn’t entirely sure Chad would believe him, especially after some of the things that Steve had eluded to.

“Yeah?” Chad met Christian’s stormy blue eyes, a little thrown by just how soft his voice was. “How long has it been?” He had known Christian didn’t use protection and at the time he hadn’t felt like protesting; now he was just trusting that the man wouldn’t put him in harm’s way like that.

"Long time. I know you probably won't believe that but it's true. Months even. I tried a few times – I let Steve believe whatever he wanted, but just couldn't." Christian looked back up at the sky, heart racing for a different reason. "Got tested a while back, just to make sure. I wouldn't have - I mean, I'd never-" Sitting up, he cupped Chad's cheek so their eyes could meet. "I don't wanna hurt you."

“I know, I trust you.” Chad smiled softly, pushing forward so their lips could brush together. “I know you’d never intentionally hurt me. And, I wanted it, I won’t lie. It’s been a while for me too, but I know I’m clean.” Chad sat back a little, fingers gently kneading along Christian’s neck. “So how come you couldn’t?”

Christian dropped his gaze, eyes following the steam as it swirled along the surface of the water. He shrugged. "Just stopped feelin' good. Too drunk to be alone, not drunk enough to fuck someone I didn't - " Frowning, he pressed his lips together for a few moments and then looked up. "This was more than that, just fucking - it was - it was more."

Something fluttered in Chad’s chest and he opened his mouth, words once more forming, but as before, he closed his mouth again without speaking. “Yeah, it was more,” he finally murmured and gently laid against Christian’s side. “A very good more.”

“Yeah,” Christian agreed quietly. “Would it be okay if-” Christian took a deep breath. “Would you mind if we didn’t drink tonight?” Frowning, he turned into Chad’s hair, breathing in the combination of chlorine, rain water and _Chad_. “I just... just tonight? I know it’s stupid to ask that...”

“No, it’s not stupid. I’m completely okay with that.” Chad hadn’t ever voiced his concerns about how much Christian drank but he wondered if the man knew, or maybe he was concerned about it himself. “We don’t need to drink to enjoy things. Clearly.” His fingers slid over Christian’s chest and he hummed softly, content to lay against his boyfriend in the hot water and not think about the world waiting for them.

“What you thinkin’ about?” Christian’s fingers smoothed over Chad’s shoulder and he couldn’t help pulling his boyfriend closer.

“Just how much I wish this could be our every day. And maybe how it’s never felt like this with anyone.” Chad sighed softly, eyes closing as his body completely relaxed. “You have many boyfriends before?”

“None, really. Had my heart handed to me by a few women. Then it was mostly a night here and there, a few weeks tops. Tried never to let it get out, you know? The whole country music thing is hard.” Christian frowned again and rested his cheek on against Chad’s hair. “I don’t know how big a deal it is, really. Steve thinks it is.”

“Seems kind of crappy. To do what you love doing but have to sacrifice pieces of your heart because of it? I’m not sure I could do that.” Chad wrapped his arm tighter around Christian and slid his leg over the man’s. “Well, you know, pieces of yourself. I don’t think it should matter. And you know how I feel about Steve.”

“You just don’t know him. He’s saved my ass a few times, backed me up in a couple fights and stopped me makin’ really stupid fuckin’ decisions more than once. What about Jared? He a good friend?” Christian knew that Chad would know he was just trying to change the subject but they’d never really had a discussion about Steve and Christian wasn’t sure he was ready for it.

Sighing softly, Chad blinked his eyes open and let his leg slide off Christian’s. Steve was like a bright glaring light in their relationship and any time Chad got close to mentioning something Christian never hesitated to take Steve’s side. It gave Chad a nasty taste in the back of throat. “No, he’s not really a good friend. He used to be but we hadn’t talked in months before I called him a few weeks ago.”

Christian sighed as Chad pulled away slightly. "Steve's the only friend I've got," he said softly. "Before you, I mean, if I told anyone anything it was him. What am I supposed to do? Just walk away from him?" Turning slightly on the seat, he studied Chad's face for a sign that his boyfriend understood.

“I didn’t say anything.” Chad met Christian’s gaze, shrugging and looking away a moment later. “He’s your lifetime best friend and I’m the guy you’ve been dating for three weeks. I’m not crazy enough to think - I just, I get it. It’s fine. I’m sure things will settle out after a while.”

"Why'd you move away?" Christian swirled his hand through the water, then slid his fingers through Chad's. "I don't like it," he added quietly. It was surprising, the slightest movement away and he got that sick feeling in his chest like he'd done something wrong.

“I don’t know,” Chad whispered and slid back, laying against Christian’s chest once more. It was probably better not to talk to Christian about Steve; they’d never be on the same page.

Christian sighed and slid his hand down Chad’s leg and pulled it back up across his body. “I get lonely,” he whispered into Chad’s hair. “Kinda feels like everything is pushing down on me, pressing me into the ground and if I wait too long I might just fuckin’ disappear.”

Squeezing his eyes shut, Chad wrapped his arm tight around Christian and blew out a slow breath. “I won’t let you disappear,” he whispered, teeth scraping over his bottom lip. “Shouldn’t you _not_ be lonely, I mean, if you live with Steve and he’s your best friend. Shouldn’t he help?”

"Well, we don't, I mean - I can't talk to him like I talk to you." Christian wrapped both arms around Chad and groaned quietly and he squeezed him hard. "I'm sorry, I'm just - crazy. I don't know." Forcing a laugh, he kissed Chad's temple.

“You’re not crazy.” Chad lifted his head and peered at Christian, soft smile on his lips. “Christian, there’s more to the way you’re feeling. I don’t get it all, I’m not sure if you get it all, but I swear I’m going to help you however I can. And you can talk to me about anything, I won’t judge you.”

"Everyone always says that. You know, when I told Steve - well, he kinda just busted me with someone. He wasn't sure that he'd be able to still be friends." Christian shrugged and pressed his lips to Chad's forehead. "Kind of freaked him out."

“What?” Chad’s brows rose and he stared at Christian for a long moment, shaking his head slowly. “That’s fucked up, Christian. Your _best friend_ wasn’t sure he could accept you for being gay? How can you defend him? Fuck, if I could just tell him a _piece_ of my mind, he’d be cowering in the corner like the little piece of sh-” Chad cut off abruptly, jaw clicking shut together. “Forget it.” He slumped back against the hot tub, running a hand through his hair in irritation.

Christian couldn't help laughing. "Holy shit, Chad." He’d never seen Chad quite that worked up about anything. “You’re all butch and shit.”

Rolling his eyes, Chad failed to find anything amusing about the subject. “Yeah, well I just find it pretty shitty when someone who has a deep-rooted love for you is shoved so far into the closet that he can’t even accept you being gay. Let alone the whole, supposedly best friend thing.”

"Wait, what?" Christian raised his eyebrows and let out a startled laugh. "Deep-rooted love? And in what closet?" Blinking slowly his smile faded slightly when Chad's expression didn't lighten. "C'mon, you've _got_ to be kidding."

“No, Christian, I’m not kidding you. Haven’t you been wondering why he hates me so much? He’s completely in love with you and he won’t ever admit it to you but he sure as hell made me aware that I was stepping in on _his_ environment.” Chad rubbed over his closed eyes, wishing they could just go back to being relaxed and comfortable. “You’ve seriously never suspected it before?”

Christian's expression softened and his eyes widened as he looked over at Chad. "He's my best friend - I - he said that it freaked him out when he saw me with that guy. That it changed how he thought of me. I don't-" Christian sat back and dragged his hand down his face. "No, no way. What do you mean he made you aware of it? What happened? You never mentioned anything."

“Of course he didn’t mention anything, Christian, he _hates_ me and his one goal is to get you to hate me, too.” Chad dropped his hand, staring at Christian for a moment before shaking his head. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m starving.” Chad stood and headed for the edge of the hot tub, throwing his leg over and climbing out.

"Chad?" Christian's heart fell a little. When Chad turned back to look at him, Christian smiled slightly. "I could never hate you."

Smile soft on his lips, Chad nodded. “Good to know,” he said quietly, not voicing that he was just the slightest side of nervous. Christian’s devotion to Steve ran deep. If something happened and Steve managed to drive a wedge between them, or if Christian had to choose sides, Chad wasn’t sure he’d come out the winner. “Gonna get some food, you staying out here?”

"No, I'm comin'." Christian smile faded quickly and he stood so he could wade to the edge of the hot tub. As he climbed out and shivered he made a mental note to leave some towels by the door. "Brought extra clothes. My jeans won't fit ya but I brought you some sweats and stuff. And the PJ pants you always steal." He padded down the stairs behind Chad and reached out to swat his ass.

Chad let out a less than manly squeak and jumped away. “PJs, good.” As they stepped inside the house Chad reached out and grabbed Christian’s wrist, pulling him in close. “I’ve just barely got you. I don’t want to lose you,” he said quietly, dropping his forehead to Christian’s and swaying them softly from side to side.

Laughing softly, Christian slung his arms low around Chad's hips. "You're crazy. M'not goin' anywhere. _Jesus_ you're cold," he hissed. Laughing louder, Christian pulled Chad down the hall and into the bedroom. "Sit," he pushed his boyfriend down on the bed and disappeared across the hall to the bathroom to return moments later with a big fluffy towel.

Kneeling down, he shoved between Chad's legs and wrapped the towel over his shoulders and started to rub him dry. "When I was a kid my mama used to put my towels in the dryer just before I got 'em after my bath. Funny the things you remember," he said softly.

Chad smiled softly, trying to picture what younger Christian must have been like. Chad suspected he had more confidence, and maybe he smiled a little more. “My mom used to make me hot chocolate and read me the Chronicles of Narnia. Over and over, we’d read those seven books - I used to have the first chapter of the Magician’s Nephew memorized. ‘Cause that was my favorite.” Chad shrugged, rubbing at his eyes to clear the lingering blur from his lack of glasses. “Always thought I’d read them to my kids one day.”

"You want kids?" Christian's hands stilled for a moment then he dropped them to rub at Chad's thighs.

“I don’t know.” Chad shook his head, fingers picking at the towel. “I started college with this grand idea. I thought by my senior year I’d be living with my long term boyfriend, we’d be planning a wedding, I’d have a job lined up and I’d be well on my way to a happily ever after.” Laughing weakly, Chad shook his head harder. “Then I learned that you can’t really plan all that stuff out. So the kid thing, can’t say yes or no. You... don’t?” he guessed, head tilting to the side curiously.

"I'd be a shit dad," Christian said quickly. He thought about the mornings he could hardly drag himself out of bed and all the nights that he was still awake drinking when the sun came up. "You'd be great, though. You're patient, you listen - and you _get_ people." Smiling, he pressed Chad's hand between the folds of the towel and dried each finger carefully.

Chad laughed shakily and stared down at his hands. “I think you have a biased opinion of me. We’re still in our honeymoon phase. Pretty soon you’re gonna start bitching about me being too OCD and uptight. Though I’ll admit you seem to have shaken some of that from me. Normally I would absolutely never miss two days of school like this.” Chad looked up and smiled at Christian. “Maybe we’re good for each other.”

Wrapping the towel tightly around Chad, Christian looked up at him. "I think maybe we are," he said softly. He parted his lips to speak again – to try and get out everything that was inside him, the way he felt - and instead just kneeled up to kiss Chad's lips. "Let's get dressed and make some dinner."


	2. Chapter 2

Chad decided that the easiest thing to do to keep the peace was to leave Steve out of the conversation as much as possible. They cooked dinner together, hips, arms, shoulders and lips brushing as they worked around one another. Christian decided to make brownies and Chad sat on the counter, kicking his legs against the cabinet and watching him with a fond smile.

When the man slid a chocolate batter-covered finger between his lips Chad moaned and sucked on the digit, parting his legs so Christian could step between them. They ended up tangled together on the kitchen floor where Christian traced meaningless patterns with batter over Chad’s skin and licked off every inch. And then they didn’t need to talk because Christian was once more claiming him and Chad couldn’t get enough.

The rain had long since stopped by the time they rose from the kitchen floor, so they dressed in sweats and PJs and warm coats and then walked hand and hand along the beach. They talked about a surprising amount of nothing, sharing past memories and random thoughts that wouldn’t matter in the long run but were enough to bring out quiet, warm laughter and fond smiles.

When Chad was finally yawning every half a minute or so Christian laughed and insisted it was time to sleep. Chad didn’t hesitate to strip down to nothing, sliding under the blanket and tucking up against the man. His hand laid flat over Christian’s heart and his head pillowed on his shoulder. “Thank you for this,” he murmured softly, slipping his leg between Christian’s.

“Was a great day, better night.” Christian buried his nose in Chad’s hair. “Thank you for... everything.” His heart felt full, warmed up and satisfied and he really did wish they could just stay there forever.

“Of course.” Chad laughed softly, pressing as flush to Christian as he could manage. “So what was the highlight? Chad-flavored brownies?” He slowly traced little hearts along Christian’s skin, confident he wouldn’t recognize the shape.

"You won't laugh?" Christian's voice was soft, like he was almost afraid that speaking too loud would shatter the moment.

“Of course not,” Chad whispered as well, breathing in Christian’s clean, honey-warm smell.

"Walking along the beach holding hands," Christian said. His lips moved against Chad's hair as he spoke and he pressed a kiss there. He'd never forget that, _never_. It was just so easy to be with Chad, tell him anything, or just - not talk if that's what he needed. For one entire day Christian had felt no pressure to be or do anything. "That was the best."

“It was pretty amazing,” Chad murmured, his heart fluttering once more. Those words were there on his tongue again and Chad wanted to say it, three little words, so easy to say. But he just couldn’t get himself to say it, so he kept tracing the heart instead. “It’s gonna be one of those things we look back on months from now and say, _“Hey, remember when we were totally sappy on the beach together?_ ”

"You're always a little sappy," Christian murmured. He took a deep breath and tugged the quilt up higher and tucked it in behind Chad's shoulder. The sound of the waves crashing against the shore was amazing; Christian was sure he'd sleep well there. "Know what I always loved? When I was a kid and my Dad would take me camping. Sleeping in the tent if it rained. I hated bein' in there alone unless I could hear the rain. The ocean's like that, too."

“We could go camping sometime,” Chad offered, though he wasn’t sure he could handle camping. He was maybe a little too dependent on modern necessities. “As long as you promise to go with me on a cruise someday. I’ve always wanted to go.”

“If you promise to sunbathe nude, I’m in.” Christian laughed softly. His eyelids were heavy, and he was pretty sure his heart was beating at the same time as Chad’s. It was kind of cute and his smile widened.

Chad hummed and slowly nodded. “Nude sunbathing, count me in.” He actually couldn’t imagine being brave enough for that but whatever, he’d do anything for Christian, really. “We get to enjoy some time here tomorrow, yeah?” Chad never wanted this to end.

“Yeah, only takes a couple hours to get home. Gonna make you breakfast in bed.” Christian nestled down so his nose bumped against Chad’s. “Shhh, sleep. You were fallin’ asleep on the couch before.”

“Yeah okay,” Chad whispered and tilted up to share a soft, sleepy kiss with his boyfriend. “Christian?” He hummed as he settled back, mostly draped on Christian. “I lo- I-” Chad coughed and scrunched his face up. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Tilting his head slightly, Christian deepened the kiss for a moment then pulled back. “Night, Chad.”

“Night,” Chad murmured and closed his eyes. His finger slowly traced a heart once more and he thought, _I love you_ , but he kept the words to himself.

Christian tossed the duffel bag in the back of the truck and did a double take when he noticed another pile of shells. He kept finding them. It was like Chad was trying to take half the beach back with them. Laughing, he scooped the shells into the side of the truck so they wouldn't blow away once they got on the road.

“Chad? Get yer ass out here!” He walked around to the driver’s side of the truck and pulled the door open. Leaning back, he stared out at the ocean. He had to admit, it was pretty hard to leave.

Sighing softly, Chad finally stepped out of the cabin and locked the door, tucking the key away in the tin and headed down the stairs. He wanted to stay longer, even for an extra night, but he knew they had to get back to real life. “Alright, I’m ready,” he mumbled and tugged open the passenger door, sliding onto the seat with another dejected sigh.

Slipping behind the wheel, Christian laughed. "It'll be here another time." The engine seemed too loud when it roared to life and Christian couldn’t resist rolling his window down to draw in the last of the ocean air. "Was good, yeah?" He turned to glance at Chad.

“Was more than good,” Chad agreed and smiled over at Christian, resting back against the seat as they pulled away from the cabin. “We should make a point of getting away once more, even for just a night, though maybe not always here. Or, you know, you could actually come stay at my place sometime,” Chad laughed. He was always giving Christian crap about not staying over, just because the musician didn’t want to miss anything potentially important at his place.

“Okay, how ‘bout I stay there a couple nights during the week when you gotta get up for classes? I know you don’t get as much sleep at my place.” Curling one hand over the steering wheel, Christian reached out for Chad with the other.

“Sounds fair. Tuesday and Thursday are my early morning class days so Monday and Wednesday nights.” Chad slid across the seat, tucking against Christian’s side and smiling. He really liked the idea of having Christian regularly at his place. “I’ll even clear a drawer out for you, if you want.”

“Alright, Chad. You can give me a drawer.” Christian smiled again and took a last look at the ocean as they drove down the road. “Was good,” he said softly.

“Was very, very good.” Chad said yet again, not minding all that much that he had to reassure Christian. He stared down at the man’s lap, fingers tracing idly over his jeans as they drove further away from the ocean. “So how long is the drive?” he asked after a while, looking up at Christian’s always breathtaking profile.

“Couple hours? Why? Ya tired?” Christian’s arm tightened over Chad’s shoulders and curled his hand up through the man’s hair. “You can rest if you want.” It wasn’t like he was going to complain about having Chad pressed up against him for two hours.

“Maybe a little. Just gonna lay here,” Chad murmured and pressed against Christian’s side, arm sliding across his lap.

They didn’t really talk. Christian had the radio on and occasionally sang with songs but mostly hummed along. Chad alternated between dozing and listening to the soft hum of Christian’s voice. His heart was racing for an entirely different reason than usual.

It had been like this all day, or since last night when he’d almost said the words that he knew were true. Things were so _good_ between them. Chad didn’t think saying that he loved Christian would really change things all that much. How could the man not feel the same, after all? The way their touches sparked, the quiet comfortableness between them - everything was _perfect_.

And Christian had changed so much since they began dating, even if it was only three weeks. He seemed so happy, so content, a smile lingering on his lips even now when it seemed unconscious.

Chad watched the street signs go by. Only thirty or so miles until they got home. Chad would have to catch up on school, and Christian had a gig in a few days so he’d be rehearsing. It was kind of one of those things, now or never, and though Chad had said _this_ to someone before, it felt like a really big deal.

Maybe because of just how true it was.

“Christian?” Chad said softly, swallowing a laugh when the man jumped slightly. “Sorry, did I surprise you?”

“Thought you were sleepin’. Almost home,” Christian said quietly. He shifted a little, moving his arm to try and get some of the circulation back in it.

“Yeah I know.” Chad shifted and took Christian’s arm, sliding it off his shoulders and gently rubbing over the muscles he was sure were sore. “I... I kind of wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Sure, you gotta stop somewhere?” Christian moaned slightly when Chad’s fingers dug into his bicep. “Right there is good,” he said.

“No stopping.” Chad laughed quietly and focused on massaging the areas that had Christian moaning louder. “It’s just, I wanted to say something.” He sighed and knew he had to just push forward and say it. Leaning forward, he pressed a soft kiss to Christian’s cheek and kept his voice quiet. “I love you, Christian.”

Christian's heart did the strangest thing inside his chest; less than a beat and more than a flutter and then he felt kind of like it was just going to stop completely. He realized he had swerved toward the edge of the road and overcompensated, sending the truck in a kind of lurch back into the lane. "Sorry -was- I just..."

There wasn't anything he could say. Just one sentence and all the _crap_ that he'd been trying to push away came crashing back down on him. He would fuck everything up - it was inevitable and if Chad felt like that - if Chad loved him...

Shaking his head slowly, Christian smiled nervously. "You don't have to say that." He shoved at Chad's hand playfully and leaned down to turn the stereo up. "I love this song," he called out over the music.

Chad had considered a few reactions he might get from Christian. The most simple had been _I love you, too_. The more complex had been Christian admitting he wasn’t quite ready to say the same in return and Chad was okay with that. He knew it was a big thing and if Christian had never felt it before, saying it would be hard.

This though? Completely blowing it off, turning up the music and acting as if Chad had just cursed him and all his friends? Chad wasn’t prepared for that. The shock had his eyes pricking and his mouth going dry. He swallowed thick and painfully and pulled his glasses off, rubbing them hard on his shirt.

He slid across the bench to the passenger seat and stared out the window, determined not to show Christian how much that particular reaction had shaken him. It was okay. So, Christian wasn’t ready for that just yet. Chad should have known better. He did this a lot, rushed into falling in love and if there was one thing his past had taught him, it was that it often didn’t do any good. So if Christian couldn’t say it back, or couldn’t even deal with hearing it? That was just _fine_.

Christian’s hand was gripping the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles were white. Reaching back down he turned the stereo down again and reached out to tug at Chad’s sleeve. “Chad?”

“I’m fine,” Chad said quietly, slipping his hand up to rub at the sting along his eyes and clearing his throat. “Thought you liked this song.”

"I do," Christian said quietly. His hand was shaking when he moved it to the steering wheel. "Chad? I can't- I mean, there are things that you still- _fuck_." Christian slammed his hand against the steering wheel. If there were ever a time he wished that he actually _wasn't_ as fucked up as he thought, it was right then. Chad was amazing. He was exactly the kind of guy that would make a great partner, someone to spend a life with, not just weeks. And still - Christian's mind was whirling with all the things that could go wrong - _would_ go wrong as far as he was concerned. He settled on "I'm sorry."

“Why?” Chad laughed too loud and high pitched. “I was the one- I shouldn’t have said that.” Chad turned further away as the stinging in his eyes turned to watery tears that blurred his vision. “I know that you’re- it’s just too much. I knew that. So, I’m sorry. Just forget I said anything.” Chad wiped his eyes on his sleeve, suddenly praying they’d get to his apartment just so he could hide until he stopped feeling the ache in his chest.

They drove in silence the last block and pulled up in front of Chad's apartment. "Don't do this," Christian said firmly. "It's good what we have, this, what we're doing - it doesn't need to be more." Shaking his head, he looked out the side window because he was afraid to see the look on Chad's face.

“It doesn’t need...” Chad repeated slowly, turning to look at Christian even if it would show the man just how upset he was. “But. I thought it _was_ more. You said it felt like more. I thought you felt...” Chad’s lips trembled so he rolled them together and exhaled slowly through his nose, reaching out for the door handle. “Alright then. Guess I just got the wrong idea.” The words caught on something pained in the back of his throat and he stared out at the blurry shape of his apartment building.

“Chad, I did say that and I meant it - but - I can’t do more. I just can’t. I don’t even know if I’m capable. I just want this - I want what we have-” He turned and finally saw the tears on Chad’s cheeks and he felt a chill of regret. “I’m sorry, I just - I’m no good at this kind of stuff. I said I’d fuck it up.” Closing his eyes against the swell of ache and fear, Christian tightened his grip on the steering wheel once more.

“Okay,” Chad whispered, his voice tight and pained. He wished he hadn’t said anything at all. Things would still be good. He’d be kissing Christian goodbye and probably trying to convince him to come upstairs for a while. Instead he felt like everything was falling apart and Chad found himself doing the very thing he’d told himself he’d never do. “It’s okay. We can do what we have. I won’t- you know, I won’t push things. It can be just us having a good time like we did.” Chad nodded, looking over at Christian almost desperately. “We can still do that, right? You can just forget I said anything at all.” _Please, because I can’t lose you yet._

Christian nodded stiffly and glanced at Chad before looking back out the front window. It hurt like a fucking kick in the gut to see Chad so upset, so desperate and Christian knew it would only get worse. "Yeah, sure," he murmured. "Don't forget your shells in the back of the truck."

For a moment Chad felt like screaming because _really?_ That was all he got? _Don’t forget your shells?_ He had thought Christian had to feel something, even the littlest of things, but he sat for a full minute in the truck with no follow up and finally had to push the door open. “Okay. So, so, I’ll see you soon? At your gig? Or I could come over, tomorrow?” Chad slid out of the truck and stared back in at Christian, his heart lurching with each painful beat.

Finally looking back over at Chad, Christian tried to smile. “I’ll phone you later tonight. Got some stuff I gotta do.” His hand fell to the seat, lifted and then dropped back to the seat. Chad had never said good bye without kissing him and suddenly that seemed huge.

“Okay.” Chad nodded and gripped the edge of the door so hard it hurt. “Christian,” he whispered and dropped his gaze because his eyes were tearing up again. “Can you just- can we- will you-” Chad huffed, annoyed that he couldn’t finish a sentence and shook his head. “Please,” he looked up at Christian and half stepped toward the truck, inhaling heavily, begging with one look alone that Christian would do _something_ to make this ache more tolerable.

"What do you want from me?" Christian hadn't meant to raise his voice but his heart was aching so badly it felt as though it was going to burst. The last thing he wanted to do was tear up, lose it in front of Chad and show the man _just_ how much Christian knew he was going to lose.

“God,” Chad sucked in another sharp breath, looking up at Christian with wide eyes. “I just wanted a kiss goodbye.” He shrugged helplessly and stepped back, shutting the door of the truck. If he hadn’t opened his big fat mouth then everything would be _fine_ and Chad only reached into the back to grab the shells because he wanted one little thing to remind him that the past twenty four hours really took place.

"Chad?" Christian called out but Chad didn't turn back and as he headed up the sidewalk, Christian grimaced at the pain that was burning its way up his throat. "Fuck," he whispered.

Christian drove automatically as he headed home from Chad’s. He’d made the drive so many times but always felt a hell of a lot better than he did that morning.

For the first few blocks he concentrated on fighting the urge to turn around and head back, race up the stairs and pound on Chad’s door. Then he tried to focus on getting home.

The ache in his chest didn’t ease off much but by the time he pulled into his driveway he figured he could at least hold it together.

He threw the front door open and it slammed hard against the wall.

“Jesus Christ, Kane, you scared the _shit_ outta me.” Steve had appeared at the end of the hall shortly after Christian closed the door.

“Sorry, wasn’t payin’ attention,” Christian muttered.

“You alright?” Steve took a few tentative steps closer.

“I need a drink.”

“Can do,” Steve said, slinging his arm over Christian’s shoulder and heading to the living room.

Half an hour later Christian wasn’t feeling much pain. Each time he had clinked his glass against Steve’s he’d sunk a shot of whisky and pushed himself a little further away from the tangled mess of feelings inside him.

“Kane! Jesus.”

“What?” Christian rubbed at his eyes as he tried to focus on Steve’s face.

“Was tryin’a tell you somethin’,” Steve muttered.

“What?”

“The Chad thing. It’s crazy sayin’ you love someone at three weeks. You see that, right?” Steve’s eyes were kind of droopy, the alcohol obviously catching up with him as well.

Christian tossed back the rest of his drink. “I don’t think it’s that bad - it’s just, feelings and who the fuck knows when it’s the right time.”

“What _are_ you thinkin’, man?” Steve shook his head slowly.

“I’m not thinkin’ anything, I’m just-” Christian leaned forward and set his empty glass on the table for Steve to refill. “What if he’s the one? What then? I just-”

Groaning, Steve held up his hand. “What are you? Fuckin’ Cinderella, now? He’s not _the one_ , Christian. He doesn’t know you.”

Christian blinked a few times and looked up at his friend. “He knows me, he’s different-”

“You tell him about the accident?” Steve sank back against the sofa and raised an eyebrow.

Eyes snapping up, Christian frowned. “That doesn’t matter.”

“You didn’t tell him. He doesn’t know _shit_ about you, Kane. You can’t even tell him that and it’s big shit, man.” Steve nodded, satisfied and reached out to squeeze Christian’s shoulder.

“Just... just shut up, Steve. It’s in the past. You said yourself, what happened back then was different - no one here knows me and I started over, yeah?” He gave up waiting for Steve to pour him another drink and filled his glass half full. He stared at it for a few moments and filled it the rest of the way.

“The point _is_ Kane, you won’t ever tell him - so there you go. _That_ , my friend, is not love. Sure, he’s a nice guy and all sweet and shit - but you really think he’d think the same way about you if he heard that story?” Steve laughed and held his empty glass out.

“You don’t know everything,” Christian said quietly.

“I know more about you, Kane, than you know yourself. I’m your best friend. Always have been, always will be. Things like that accident don’t mean shit to me.” Steve leaned a little closer and slid his arm around Christian’s shoulders.

For some reason Christian pulled away slightly. It just felt all wrong. Chad’s words kept nipping at the edges of his mind. Had he missed something with Steve? Lifting his glass to his lips, Christian downed half of the harsh amber liquid. “Yeah, you know me, Carlson.”

Laughing, Steve sat back again.

Checking his watch, Christian squinted as he tried to make out the numbers. “Gotta make a call, I’ll be back.” As soon as he stood he stumbled slightly and had to catch Steve’s shoulder to stay upright. “Jesus,” he murmured.

Heading down the hall carefully he could hear Steve’s laughter. “Fuck off,” he muttered as he stumbled slightly and bumped into the door frame as he tried to get his door open.

Stuffing his hands in his pockets he hunted around for his phone and pulled it out. Sinking down onto his bed, he pulled up Chad’s number and hit send then fell back onto the soft mattress.

Chad had spent the good majority of the afternoon alternating between sorting through the sea shells and bursting out in random sobs. He wasn’t sure why he was so upset, really. Sure, Christian hadn’t said it back - had basically rejected the words - but Chad had already known that he tended to feel stronger and more intense than most people. And really, he’d thrown himself heart first into this thing with Christian, he’d given all he possibly could to make the man smile and laugh and be better.

In some ways, Chad thought he had held their relationship up with both hands and now it felt like Christian had shoved those hands away and everything was threatening to fall apart. So when his phone rang and Christian’s name flashed on the screen, Chad wasn’t entirely sure he should answer. For the last hour he’d been curled up in a ball on the couch, inhaling the lingering scent of Christian on the shirt he wore and losing himself in something close to exhaustion.

Chad answered, though, because it was Christian, and even if he was about to be dumped, at least he’d hear the man’s voice one last time. “Hello?” He nearly whispered the word, trying not to sound like the dejected puppy he was currently playing.

"Chad," Christian's voice was thick and he cleared his throat. "I was just, I was talkin' 'bout you and I remembered - said -that I said I'd call." Flopping his arm over his eyes, Christian took a deep breath and focused on trying to stay awake.

It was like a punch in the gut to hear Christian’s slurred words. The guy was drunk, probably more than a little, and Chad felt responsible for it. He’d never felt responsible for Christian’s drinking before - it was a horrible feeling. “Okay,” he said quietly and let the shirt drop from where it was covering his nose. “You- are you just hanging out?”

"Yeah, just talkin' to Steve. Then he kinda pissed me off so I remembered to call you." Somehow that had made more sense in Christian's head than it did when it came out his mouth. "Anyway, called to say g'night." It was a little harder than he'd thought to hear Chad's voice. Even though it sounded a million miles away it was _too_ close and tugged at something heavy and dark in Christian's chest.

“Oh,” Chad whispered around a slowly inhaled breath. He could feel the tension between them even over the phone, a heavy weight that only sank with words like _Steve_ and _g’night_. Like this was completely normal. Like Chad didn’t feel like he’d already ruined the best thing he’d ever had. “Thanks. I’m glad you remembered,” he murmured and it wasn’t a lie, he’d still take hearing Christian’s voice even if it came with heart-aching pain.

"So, yeah." Christian groaned as he rolled over onto his side and blinked across the room. "It's late. You got classes tomorrow?" He heard Steve call his name and slid the phone down to his chest. "I'll be out in a minute, shut up," he called out.

Chad stared at the far wall with wide eyes, trying not to feel sick to his stomach. He’d always felt like the most important thing in Christian’s life when the man called him and losing that was just another blow. “Yeah, class tomorrow. I could come over after, you could play some music for me while I do homework?” They’d done it before; Chad closed his eyes and hoped for something so normal.

Christian paused a few moments, listening to the sound of music starting up in the living room. "Maybe, I- well, the band's got that gig on the weekend and I gotta make sure I know what's goin' on." Christian closes his eyes and pressed his fingers hard against them.

“Oh.” Chad instantly felt tears prick at his eyes and he blew out an annoyed breath, unfolding from the couch and pushing up to his feet. He paced through the living room to the kitchen, tugging the door open and peering inside. There was a bottle of whiskey in the freezer, left over from the last time Christian was over, and Chad grabbed it. Why the hell not? If Christian could drink, so could he. “Fine.” He said sharply, too sharp, when the line just remained silent. “Guess I’ll just, see you around then.”

Frowning slightly, Christian opened his eyes and his fingers moved automatically to the t-shirt that was lying across the top of the bed. It was Chad's. Curling his fist tight into the material, Christian pulled it up to nose for long enough to draw in some of the familiar scent. Jaw clenched, he held the phone away from his mouth as he sighed heavily. "Yeah. Okay, Chad."

“Christian,” Chad half gasped, coughing around the sharp burn of the shot he’d just tipped back. It burned and clawed its way down Chad’s throat he coughed louder, slamming his fist down on the counter. No, apparently he couldn’t drink like Christian. “We’ll see each other again, right? We- we’re still together, yeah? Please don’t let my mistake ruin us. Please- I just - I’m not ready to lose you and I thought you felt the same. The losing thing. Not, not the love- well. You know.” Chad knew he was rambling and begging, but he didn’t really care much.

"No mistake. There was no mistake," Christian said thickly. Chad was killing him. One little piece at a time, tearing down all the safeguards that Christian had set up even as he was fighting to shore them up again. "Everything's fine," he said quietly.

Everything was about as far from fine as it could be and Christian knew that they _both_ knew it. Christian didn't bother pointing out that he'd warned Chad, that he'd said all along that he was no good. "'Sides, you'll be at the show, right?"

The show was three days away, which basically meant Christian wasn’t suggesting they make plans before then. They’d seen each other nearly every single day over the last three weeks, they’d had a perfect twenty four hours at the beach, and then Chad had fucked up. _Jesus_ he hated himself for that and he had to pull the phone away from him so Christian wouldn’t hear the half broken sob. He was also, apparently, very lame.

Taking a deep breath, Chad brought the phone up to his ear and prayed Christian wouldn’t hear the tears in his voice. “I’ll be there.”

Christian squeezed his eyes shut tight. "Okay, good. I like-" He cleared his throat and pushed up. "Jesus," he hissed. "I'm wasted, I should probably - I gotta make sure Steve is okay, get him into bed. When he sleeps on the couch he fucks up his back." All the words were coming out and they just didn't mean shit anymore. What Christian really wanted was to tell Chad to come over, or just close his eyes and feel his _boyfriend_ slide into bed behind him. It just wasn't going to happen. Not this time. "Anyway, have a good sleep."

“Christian,” Chad half sobbed the name and slammed his fist hard on the counter. “Okay. Fine. Good night.” He couldn’t bring himself to hang up first just in case Christian said anything, just _one_ thing, to make him feel better. He almost didn’t believe that yesterday at this time they were having sex for the first time on the beach and Chad was thinking he would never need anyone else in the world.

"Chad?" Christian took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "You'll be okay. I know you'll be okay." Christian's heart was tearing in two and he just couldn't take another word. The sound of Chad's voice was slicing him apart. "Night," he managed to get out before ending the call and throwing his phone hard against the wall.

There were a lot of really _bad_ things happening in Chad’s life at that moment, like sinking to the floor because his knees just wouldn’t hold him up, or the way it felt like his heart had just been ripped out of his chest. But the worst thing, he thought, was the fact that all he wanted to do was get in his car and drive to Christian’s and get on his hands and knees to beg Christian to not end this.

Chad wasn’t sure when he slept, or moved, next. But he knew even if he shut himself off and never left his apartment it wouldn’t matter. Because there was no one who would even notice that he’d gone missing.

And still, Chad was going to go to that damn concert. Maybe he was a glutton for heartache or something.


End file.
